Up to date?

It's a good thing these aren't real stepping stones; I'd need some kind of glider to go over everything I've missed. To cut a 3 month story short - my graduation was amazing, my aunt kicked me out on my graduation day, I loved working at the Post Office but they didn't keep me on, I'm now staying about 20 miles from Glasgow with a friend's parents, and I'm back on Jobseekers.

And on to the next step, which is that I have (despite a concrete belief that I never would again) found myself a new boyfriend. I met him at the PO, he offered me a lift home, I worked up the courage to give him my number, and it all went from there. He's a wee bit younger than me, but he's the oldest child of his family so more mature than the last younger guy I went for. Plus he has his own car, which helps :p

We've only been together a couple of weeks and already I've learned something about myself: I'm colour blind. Because when I describe him to people, it never occurs to me to mention that he's black.

The colour of someone's skin has never been a Thing to me, so the reaction from some of my friends has surprised me. I've had texts like,

'What do your Mum and Dad think about him being black? Not that I'm saying he is black. Not that there's anything wrong if he is'. 

I don't understand why people tie themselves in such knots about it. Mum and Dad have expressed no opinion on the matter, they're just happy that I'm happy.  

I'm not saying my friends are racist. I've had none of the 'stick to your own kind' type of messages. I just find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that some people can see it as such an issue. 

Although I guess it is kind of a surprise when you consider that I moved up here in the hope of grabbing myself a nice Scottish man!

xXx

Misread

I walked past a sign on a billboard. I read it as 'People Are Evil', when I got closer I saw that it actually said 'Pierce The Veil'. My cynical side appears to be taking over.

xXx

Awkward turtle ahoy

A couple of nights ago I had a conversation that ended up being an exercise in the many different forms of social awkwardness. After a long day walking round in the wind and rain I was heading for my train home when I saw one of my friends and my Scottish ex coming towards me. Let's count the different awkwards:

1)  I stopped to talk to my friend, but she was obviously planning to just say 'hi' and walk past me.

2)  I said hi to the ex's chest, being completely unable to look him in the eye.

3) After that I was unable to look at him at all despite being intensely aware of him standing next to me.

4) I got mixed up explaining my new living situation to my friend and sounded like my brain had fallen out.

5) At this point I realised that my hair was everywhere, I had bags under my eyes and random stains on my trainers.

6) The ever-present problem of not knowing how to say bye to people without it being horribly awkward.

So that was an interesting end to the day. 

It was a good day before that though. Mum and Grandma came up to visit me and on the way Mum sent me a text saying that she had a surprise for me. I can't just leave things like that alone so I spent the morning thinking what she could have brought me; my best guess was a potential graduation dress. Turns out it was my brother! He's the last of my immediate family to come and visit me up here so it was really good to see him and show him round Glasgow. I was a bit disappointed with the weather, and the fact that Bute Hall was locked for the first time I've ever seen, but it was so good to see them and get some hugs.

In other news, I have a Christmas job at the post office. Hopefully things will turn out as they did for Dad and they'll offer me a permanent job so I can live off that until I can find something that doesn't involve shifts but does involve lots of paper. Yay for admin.

xXx

Crossroads

First, an update. I left my job after 9 days work because I wasn't going to be paid thanks to a complete lack of sales pitches. My Scottish man said no so I am once again single. The flatmate didn't get chance to kick me out; the landlady has already done it.

 I have to be out of the flat by this time next week, and this is where I reach the crossroads. I could scramble around trying to find someone else who will let me stay for very little/no money until I can get a job, then find somewhere proper to live and finally start to feel like I properly live in Glasgow. Or I could go back to Crewe. 

 I know I've mentioned this so frequently even I'm starting to get bored of it, but it was always in an 'oh no, not leaving Glasgow!?!' kind of way. Now it's different. I still don't particularly want to leave, but the thought of continuing this constant fight to stay here makes me feel so, so tired.

 Maybe it's time to admit that I'm not meant to be here, and just go home.

xXx

Count your blessings

In an attempt to stop myself going emo again and ending up a depressed wreck, I've decided I'm going to start living my life positively. This is a complete overhaul for me so I'm starting off small. For example today I'm focusing on the fact that on the way to and from work the subway train turned up just as I got onto the platform, and that I was one of only three people in my shift who managed to get a bite. I also have 2 sales this week so will be paid at least £100. All good things.

I've no idea how this will hold up the next time something bad happens, but for now it's working brilliantly.

xXx

Whinge

Usually I hate getting all emo and whining in public like this, but sack it, it's my turn. 

In less than three weeks I will have been in Glasgow for a year, and so far the only job I've managed to get is working in a call centre where I only get as far as 'Hi, my name's Hannah' before people hang up on me.

I'm sleeping in a friend's living room, and when the other flatmate comes home after Summer I'm gonna have to start paying (with money I don't have yet) or move out. Other flatmate really doesn't sound like the sharing type so I may yet be kicked out.

Scottish man is naffing off to Florence, I asked to go with him so we could stay together and he's 'thinking about it'. There's a lead weight in my gut that tells me my subconscious has already decided he will say no. I can't decide whether this is pessimistic or realistic. I just know that it scares me.

The only good thing about my life feeling like a complete mess is that I've lost my appetite and my weight's finally started going down. Except it's not really good is it, because that's not a healthy way to lose weight. 

I think I'll go and eat some worms.

xXx

Decisions, decisions.

The thing I was dreading has happened. They offered my Scottish man a permanent place in Florence, and of course he's going to take it. So I have a decision to make. 

There are several patterns emerging that Im beginning to feel will be permanent parts of my life. First, that I will always love people more than they love me. Second, that whenever it comes to a difficult decision it will always be left to me to choose the right answer, no matter how painful the right answer may be.

I believe every pastor who has preached that troubles come to train us for what God really wants us to do. But I wonder what on earth God's going to do with me that needs me to be this strong.

xXx