Crossroads

First, an update. I left my job after 9 days work because I wasn't going to be paid thanks to a complete lack of sales pitches. My Scottish man said no so I am once again single. The flatmate didn't get chance to kick me out; the landlady has already done it.

 I have to be out of the flat by this time next week, and this is where I reach the crossroads. I could scramble around trying to find someone else who will let me stay for very little/no money until I can get a job, then find somewhere proper to live and finally start to feel like I properly live in Glasgow. Or I could go back to Crewe. 

 I know I've mentioned this so frequently even I'm starting to get bored of it, but it was always in an 'oh no, not leaving Glasgow!?!' kind of way. Now it's different. I still don't particularly want to leave, but the thought of continuing this constant fight to stay here makes me feel so, so tired.

 Maybe it's time to admit that I'm not meant to be here, and just go home.

xXx

Count your blessings

In an attempt to stop myself going emo again and ending up a depressed wreck, I've decided I'm going to start living my life positively. This is a complete overhaul for me so I'm starting off small. For example today I'm focusing on the fact that on the way to and from work the subway train turned up just as I got onto the platform, and that I was one of only three people in my shift who managed to get a bite. I also have 2 sales this week so will be paid at least £100. All good things.

I've no idea how this will hold up the next time something bad happens, but for now it's working brilliantly.

xXx

Whinge

Usually I hate getting all emo and whining in public like this, but sack it, it's my turn. 

In less than three weeks I will have been in Glasgow for a year, and so far the only job I've managed to get is working in a call centre where I only get as far as 'Hi, my name's Hannah' before people hang up on me.

I'm sleeping in a friend's living room, and when the other flatmate comes home after Summer I'm gonna have to start paying (with money I don't have yet) or move out. Other flatmate really doesn't sound like the sharing type so I may yet be kicked out.

Scottish man is naffing off to Florence, I asked to go with him so we could stay together and he's 'thinking about it'. There's a lead weight in my gut that tells me my subconscious has already decided he will say no. I can't decide whether this is pessimistic or realistic. I just know that it scares me.

The only good thing about my life feeling like a complete mess is that I've lost my appetite and my weight's finally started going down. Except it's not really good is it, because that's not a healthy way to lose weight. 

I think I'll go and eat some worms.

xXx

Decisions, decisions.

The thing I was dreading has happened. They offered my Scottish man a permanent place in Florence, and of course he's going to take it. So I have a decision to make. 

There are several patterns emerging that Im beginning to feel will be permanent parts of my life. First, that I will always love people more than they love me. Second, that whenever it comes to a difficult decision it will always be left to me to choose the right answer, no matter how painful the right answer may be.

I believe every pastor who has preached that troubles come to train us for what God really wants us to do. But I wonder what on earth God's going to do with me that needs me to be this strong.

xXx

Too much time

Me and my flatmate just spent ten minutes looking up remixes of the Skype ringtone, then we found a piece of music which someone has created entirely out of sounds made by MSN Messenger. It was nice to see that there's someone out there with even more time to waste than we have.

  All this lack of things to do has also given me a lot of time to think. Over the last few days I've been thinking about my friends. I've often heard the theory that when people choose friends they tend to go for people who look like themselves. Thinking through my oldest and closest friends, I blatantly disprove this theory because they are every last one of them blonde with blue or green eyes, aside from one who is ginger. None of those adjectives can be applied to me, not even a little bit.  

  So I wonder why I chose them as my friends. We're all different body shapes so that's not it. We have different hobbies (although there is some overlap with a couple of them), we want to do different things with our lives and have different careers, we have different stances on things like marriage and having kids, and (as far as I know) I'm the only Christian. I can't think of a single thing that all my friends have in common, with each other or with me. 

  I guess this one will be filling my time for a while yet, because after days of thinking about it my answer is still 'I don't know'. Oh well, I suppose it's good for my brain to keep it working on something.

xXx

Apologies for my minor breakdown yesterday.

Let's just pretend it never happened and move on. 

I seem to be in love with the idea of strawberries. 

I called into Waitrose on the way home from church today and saw that some of the strawberry punnets were reduced. 'Ooh strawberries.' I thought, 'Just what we need!' so I bought some. When I got home I unloaded them proudly onto the table by the fruit bowl, and smiled when my flatmate said she was really glad that we had some. 

Then it came to dinner time. I had the main bit (Waitrose reduced pork - nummy!) and then decided that I would have some of my strawberries for dessert. So I washed a few, picked the green bits off, put one in my mouth...and had to fight the urge to spit it back out again. It was only then that I remembered my love is for strawberry-flavoured things, not the fruits themselves.

I really, really wish I liked strawberries. But I don't.

xXx

What am I doing wrong?

On Thursday I had an interview. I was last in (thanks to public transport ¬_¬) which meant that I was called for interview last, so I had loads of time to prepare my answers.  I went in, I smiled, I chatted with the interviewer, I gave my answers like I hadn't been practising them for the last 45 minutes, and I came out feeling really good about it. I was actually confident (for once in my life) that I'd got the job.

But today I got that email again. The ever-so-polite 'thanks but no thanks' email, which I now have enough of to wallpaper a room with if I printed them all off. I don't know what else to do. What can I do when a perfect interview still ends up with yet another addition to the NO pile?

I was going to start another job search today, but I've kind of lost the will.

xXx