Sleeeep

Just a brief update. So far the snow has been here three days and I've managed to slip and fall over three times. Only the first time really hurt because I went straight on my backside. On the plus side, it's the first time I've ever been glad to have so much padding there. 

  Got separated from the main pub crowd tonight but ended up having a really good chat and coffee with Erin instead. She is my American equivalent, it's quite scary how alike we are! Possible theories about her and Rachael being swapped at birth will inevitably surface.

  I read a whole book today, just for fun. I cannot describe how much I enjoyed it.

  Much to do tomorrow so I'm off to bed.

xXx

Heck yeah, I can dance!

I almost, very nearly had another tizzy fit this week.  The going to bed early plan failed epically so I woke up today even more knackered than last Sunday. Plus there was a good 2 inches of snow on the ground. Turns out my boots aren't waterproof too... let's just say by the time I got to salsa I wasn't in a brilliant mood to start off with.  

  I tried my best; I made sure to have a drink of water, I bought a bag of crisps in case my blood sugar levels were the reason for my meltdown last week and I made sure to have a sit down between classes. But still it got to the intermediate class and my brain just would not register. I've got quite a bad ache in my shoulder because I kept doing this one move completely wrong. At one point I walked away from the dancing, but something made me go back and keep trying, and I am IMMENSELY glad that I did.  When the instructor got fed up of teaching (it was a phenomanally awkward move) he just set up a rueda and put some music on, and we just danced. 

  Rueda means wheel so basically the couples dance in a circle. The leader of the rueda shouts out moves or instructions and everyone does it at the same time. The instructions are like Fly, where you have to clap on the first beat, and Moderno where you have to lift your left leg and clap your hands under it. I think my favourite is Intima - the girls step one leg out and the man behind turns round and claps his hands round the other leg. Hard to explain but always makes me laugh, I'll have to demonstrate it some time. Anyway the track that he put on was seriously fast and, because most of the leaders were also instructors, I actually managed to keep up and keep dancing and it was so much fun I was actually breathless at the end of the song. 

  There was supposed to be a club night tonight but because of the snow it was cancelled. Instead they just left the music running for an hour after the class finished so we could hang around and freestyle. And it was brilliant. Turns out I was only so bad at the last club night because I got terrible leaders. 

  It was just so encouraging today. When we were in the rueda one of the leaders just kept saying now and then that I was following really well. He didn't have to sound quite so surprised but never mind :p In the freestyle I danced with the instructor and at the end of the dance he said he'd really enjoyed it. Now, he could just have said that because it's fairly obvious that I have no confidence, but I don't think he did. I really felt good. And one of the other instructors asked me to dance twice so I can't be that terrible! 

  I'm so, so, SO very glad I didn't give in to the urge to go home. I would have missed out on a ginormous and much-needed confidence boost.

xXx

SNOOOOOOW!

Snow, snow, snow, snow

snow, snow, snow, snow,

lovely snoooow, wonderful snow, snow, snow, snow

snow, snow, snow, snow.

I'm just a little bit excited about the snow :D It's much easier to enjoy snow when you don't have to worry about driving in it. Today's the first time I've been glad not to have my car! 

 Went to an AMAZING thanksgiving dinner on Thursday night and didn't get home til about 4 in the morning. I'm going to another one tonight but I cannot stay that late this time. I'm absolutely knackered.

 Oh, the reason I'm knackered is because I got up at 2.45 this morning and haven't been back to bed like I planned to. And the reason I got up at 2.45 is because a bunch of CUs are doing a 24/7 prayer week and for some reason, which I can't quite recall, I thought it would be a good idea to sign up for the 4-5 am slot. Genius. It's slightly less stupid when you consider that I thought we would be praying at uni so I would only have a 20 minute walk. I didn't know it would be at some random church 35 minutes away. 

  It was well worth it though. I expected it to just be a plain room but there are cushions on the floor to sit or lie on, fairy lights up on the wall, there's a map of Glasgow so you can pray for specific places, a map of the world so you can pray for specific countries and any missionaries you know are out there, a cross to stick post-it thank yous on, an area to do painting and drawing, a CD player and stack of worship CDs, strings hung on the wall and paper clips so you can write out a prayer and hang it up, and some clear plastic on the wall where everyone's written names of people to pray for. My hour went so fast, I thought it had only been about half an hour at the most but then Lindsay started getting her coat on and it was time to go! I might go back again tomorrow. I think I could pray more effectively if I were properly awake.

xXx

Oh for flips sake

Last night I got a text from a certain someone. To sum it up - the new girlfriend is now another ex-girlfriend and, as she was the reason for not talking, let's be friends again.  It's my own fault really. If I hadn't wussed out when I had chance to explain to him then he would know my answer, probably wouldn't even have asked in fact. Although I don't know. He can be pretty flippin persistent. 

  I didn't react the way I thought I would when I read the text. Crazy, twisty feelings, I've never yet been able to figure them out. But I know my answer - the problem is working out how to say it. I'm so fed up of hurting him. I wish he hadn't asked.

xXx

Dobby didn't mean to kill...

Just to maim or seriously injure - Possibly the best line I have ever heard in a film, ever! And I STILL keep laughing at the bit where Harry tries out the new wand. But I have to say, for such a long film, not a lot happens. 

 I definitely need to read the book again; I didn't recognise a single thing that happened in the whole film, especially not Harry's wand breaking and Dobby at the end! It'll probably have to wait til I go home though as I don't actually own a copy and I imagine the libraries will have it reserved for quite some time.

 Tonight was the first rehearsal for the carol concert I'm playing in. We're doing all the traditional songs and now I feel even MORE excited about Christmas than before! I didn't think that was actually possible. There's also the fact that I've sorted out a meal with one of my friends, date set and everything. So excited!!!

xXx

Strange peaches

Yesterday in the discussion of James Baldwin's depression-fest Another Country, the discussion leaders decided that they weren't going to read the text out themselves; everyone had to read, a paragraph at a time. And of course when it got to my turn we arrived at a paragraph with swearing in. It was only two words, which isn't much compared to the rest of the book, but still a 200% increase in swearing for me. Saying no didn't seem to be an option so I took a deep breath and read it, trying to think of the words just as sounds instead of thinking about what they actually meant.

 It was very, very weird. I'm not sure I can explain properly how strange it felt to hear those words in my own voice. There was a physical reaction in my ears, almost like they were ringing. It was probably one of those horrible blushes that starts at your ears and works inwards. 

 Aha, I've got the comparison! It was like saying a word in a different language in the middle of an English sentence. "I'm not too keen on chocolate ice cream but I älskar vanilla." It was that jarring.

 But at least I didn't have to read any of the sex scenes!

xXx

Mustache Monday

Today, to commemorate/celebrate the last workshop of this semester, we had Mustache Monday! Everyone met up in town before workshop, then we bought some really cheap stick on mustaches and put them on before heading to uni. We got some seriously weird looks and a few comments, but it wasn't as embarrassing as I thought it would be. The worrying thing is, mine looked natural. I wish I'd had my hair down today coz I swear I just looked like a hairy man. 

 Last night I had a third dream about someone on my course. I wonder if I should be worried that he's showing up so often. I don't think I'm attracted to him; a few times I've felt a very protective urge towards him, but it felt more kind of mothering than fancying him. I dunno. He, also, has shown no preference for me so I don't think I really need to worry about it.

 One day I will find my ginger Scotsman.

xXx

Oh dear

Meltdown Week is over, so I really have no excuse. It just happened.  I had a tizzy fit so big I walked out of salsa (leaving my cardigan behind, genius!) and cried all the way home. Then a bit more once I got home.

 It seems so silly now I think about it. The instructor introduced two new moves today and I just couldn't wrap my head round either of them. And it turns out being a perfectionist is actually a fault; I couldn't get it right so I refused to do it at all.  Being incredibly tired didn't help. Normally I'm fine with spins but when I'm tired even spotting can't stop me feeling dizzy, so on top of my brain refusing to wrap it also felt like it was still spinning even when I stood still.  

 So the moral of the story is get enough sleep! I'm having an early night next Saturday, I don't care how boring it makes me just as long as I can dance properly. Although, I can't really complain. The instructor of the beginners class only had four hours sleep last night and he still managed to teach for two hours, man and woman steps! I tried to do the man's part for about 30 seconds and it fried my brain, so kudos to him. 

xXx

Boy, you wouldn't even recognise me

What a day. I'm almost too tired to type, but I want to make sure I remember today. 

 It started off at 10 with breakfast at Rebekah and Lindsay's (egg in toast, gorgeous), which lasted over an hour thanks to the number of people and the fact that we had a spontaneous Bible study. I was exceptionally happy because I finally remembered to take some 'thank you' banana bread with me. Eventually the 7 of us piled into the van and we headed off to Stirling, with no idea what there was to do there except go and look at the castle.  

  

  At first I tried to be really good and read Another Country, but it's the first time I've been to a different part of Scotland (and the book is hideously depressing) so I soon gave up on that and just watched the view changing. It sounds terribly twee but Rebekah had her guitar with her and we sang some hymns to pass the time.

  Stirling is very pretty, and it has a character hugely different to Glasgow. The buildings are all made of the same golden stone, but they're more spaced out and don't have as many storeys. It feels more relaxed. There are also more hills and mountains to look at; this time of year the trees are turning an extraordinary orangey-yellow colour. I tried to take a picture but my camera just couldn't handle it. 

  We parked on the castle car park, then found out that it's £9 per adult to get into the castle itself. None of us can afford that right now so we wandered round the few bits you could get at for free and took a whole bunch of photos of the incredible views (which are all up on facebook) and kilted statues. I saw two real men in kilts, which was possibly the highlight of my day :p we spent quite a while in the shop and I fell in love with every single item of jewellery they had. My favourite was a pair of silver studs in the shape of bagpipes. I boguht a green celtic knot fridge magnet because it was on sale, a thimble for Grandma's Christmas present and a postcard to send home, because that's what Thorleys do.

  After a picnic lunch (during which my banana bread was much admired) we drove to a little village called Aberfoyle, which had been recommended to us by a local. It was during this drive that I felt something strange happening inside. I'm not sure how to describe it. It was a kind of opening feeling in my chest, and I found myself desperately wishing that I was Scottish. I've often joked that if I could have chosen where to be born I would have picked Scotland, but today I really, seriously, desperately wanted it. I wanted to be able to call this place home and know in my bones that it was. 

  By the time we arrived this feeling had settled down to an unshakable feeling of contentment.  We had a look round the Scottish Woolen Mill, which sells an awful lot more than wool and its products. I fell in love with yet more jewellery, as well as the purple kilts (£50!!), a gorgeously soft, deep blue scarf and a canvas bag covered in sheep with Scottish flags on. If I ever win the lottery I am going straight to that shop. 

  Then Glen and Denise (who, I just realised, are like the Mum and Dad of our friendship-family) had a sit down in the coffee shop and the rest of us went for a walk. I'm tempted to call it a hike, I was so knackered by the end of it. But that's probably just becuse it was mostly uphill and my little Crewe legs still aren't used to such slopes. We walked round the village, looking at all the pretty houses, then wandered on to a bike trail. I was kind of worried that someone would come freewheeling down the hill and knock us over, but apparently it was too cold for cycling coz we didn't see a single biker. 

  When I eventually got to the top, gasping for air, it turned out to be well worth the effort just for the view. I can't even begin to describe it, you'll just have to come and have a look one day.  We found the start point for a Go Ape (always worth knowing), a few wooden carvings and a visitors centre. I would have loved more time to look round the centre properly, but by then the sky was starting to turn pink so we headed back down the hill before it started getting dark. The timing was brilliant; as it got just too dark to see properly under the trees, we walked into the coffee shop. 

  Lindsay bought me a cup of tea and a cake, although I REALLY didn't need any more sugar in my system, and when everyone had finished their drink we headed home. It was a comfortably quiet drive home - the kind that only comes from a day of fresh air. I think I must have slept a little bit because we seemed to go from little country lanes to the streets of Glasgow remarkably fast.  When we got back Denise gave us homemade chilli and rice with garlic bread and then we just sat around and chatted. 

  And now I'm home. I feel like I shouldn't eat for a week to balance out my average weekly calorie intake, but I'm happy. On the way back I found myself praying Lord, if you ask it of me, I could make this place Home.

xXx

¬_¬

 I do not understand how someone as small as my landlady can make so much noise. I've lost count of the number of times she's woken me up by walking round the flat. Even Rachael's never managed it just by walking! 

 She excelled herself today; she woke me up by walking, banging a pan onto the stove top, turning the radio on at almost full volume, slamming the kitchen door four times and the bathroom door twice.  

 I've tried earplugs a couple of times but thanks to my freaky ears they just keep falling out whenever I move. I'm trying very, very hard to resist the urge to get up at some unearthly hour in the morning and start playing flute or something equally annoying. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

 I feel quite productive already today. I've had a cooked breakfast (coz I ran out of milk so couldn't have cereal), made two cards and read a bit of this week's set book. Neither of the cards are Christmas cards though so I've still got a ways to go with that!

  Is anyone else really excited about Christmas? I feel like a little kid again I'm looking forward to it so much.  Blimey it's five weeks tomorrow. 

IT'S NEARLY CHRISTMAS!!
xXx

Mmm radiator

Oh, Glasgow. Dear green place. I feel quite different about you tonight. I'm not sure what it is. It's not so much that you feel any more like home than before, but that I feel like I could one day come to love you. Almost but not quite there yet.

 I don't know if it's the effect of being in Glasgow, or being away from home, or something I can't think of right now, but I feel like the me of 6 months ago wouldn't recognise the me of today. Yesterday I hugged a guy; I initiated it and I didn't obsess over it for hours after. Tonight I started conversations with four or five people, and managed to keep it up, and it didn't even cross my mind to worry that they didn't want to speak to me.

 I'm starting to think that moving up here is the best thing I've ever done.

xXx

Look, no hangover!

I'm still pretty tired thanks to a late night yesterday, but I don't have a headache! Although that could be because I had a non-alcoholic drink after the cider this time. 

 I'm going to name this week Meltdown Week. So far I've had a miniature breakdown about not being able to do salsa and feeling fat, one person in my workshop group decided they were going to completely give up on their novel idea, and another had a good, long complain because they couldn't write a perfect first line.  I think we're better now though; there were cookies bought and hugs given and I've had a word with myself, so I think we'll all manage to keep going. It's just a bit strange that everything has been fine until now and suddenly it's all coming out. Maybe we're all just tired. Reading week feels like such a long time ago.

Well, I've just worked out I need to make 52 Christmas cards so I'd better go and get on with it!

xXx

Reality check

Last night the GUU was transformed into a salsa club (by the strategic placing of a few candles and a Scottish flag) and I decided to go along and put my dancing skills to the test.  

  Turns out I'm nowhere near as good as I thought I was. There is a HUGE difference between dancing in the classes with the instructors shouting out the moves, and dancing to music with someone.  I think my main problem is that I'm so used to doing ceroc where the steps are almost always 1-2 1-2 but for salsa, in the same amount of time, I have to go 1-2-3-rest 1-2-3-rest. I'm tying my feet in knots trying to remember which one I'm doing. I suppose the only way to sort that out is to keep practising, which I have every intention of doing!

 The best bit of last night was at the very end. They put on this really sexy, bassy track and everyone stood in a massive circle to dance. Well, it wasn't so much dancing as grinding but if you heard the music you would have done the same, it was just that kind of beat. Then people took it in turns to go into the middle of the circle and dance on their own. I probably don't need to say that I didn't do that bit. It's my goal that before I leave Glasgow I will work up the confidence to get out of the circle and dance in the middle.  But anyway it was someone's birthday so she stayed in the middle for a while and all the male instructors danced with her for a bit. My favourite Scottish one was dancing away and then he just randomly lifted her over his shoulder in a lift. It was awesome!

 Now there's a weight-loss goal for you. I want to be light enough to be lifted like that :p

xXx

Another parody

It's time for another installment of Hannah's Parodies! This is a piece inspired by James Joyce's A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.

The stones are cold on my legs and I wish I didn't have to wear a skirt. Mummy says skirts are like ladies so I have to wear one so I will be a lady when I grow up. I want to be an astronaut when I grow up. Alex says girls aren't allowed to be astronauts because they're stupid, but he never gets his spelling right and I always get it all right so I think he' stupid.

My front is warm because it's sunny. You're not supposed to look at the sun so I look at a cloud that is next to it. It's very bright and makes my eyes hurt so they cry a bit.

 "Crybaby." Victoria Manning stands in front of me, She is taller than me but shorter than Sarah and I don't like her because she calls me names. "What are you crying for, Mrs Blobby?" She stands close and now I can' t see the sun and everything is green. I want to make our room green, I want to paint it myself but Sarah says she doesn't like it. I know she likes green because she always takes green first when we do colouring and won't let me have it for ages. "Hey fatty, is your Mum older than your Dad?"

 Yes, Mummy is older than Daddy, but not as old as Gramps. Gramps is a hundred years old. Gramps showed me how to box and I would like to box Victoria Manning but it's not nice to hit girls. So I won't say anything. Mummy says it's rude to ignore people but I don't have to talk to Victoia Manning because she's not my friend. 

 Sarah comes on the playground and sees me. She comes to stand next to me and crosses her arms. Now both of them are blocking the sun and my front is cold as well as my legs.  "What do you want, Victoria?" She says.

"Your Dad's going to prison 'cause your Mum's older than him."

I start crying. Proper crying, not looking at the sun crying, and Victoria Manning laughs at me. "Crybaby!" She shouts and I wish I could box her. 

 Sarah pushes her shoulder and shouts back at her "Leave her alone, fatty." You shouldn't call people names but she deserves that because that's what she called me. 

 "I'm not fat." 

 Sarah pushes her shoulder again. "You're fatter than me." She is fatter than Sarah. It's not name calling if it's true.

"Yeah well your Dad's going to prison!" she shouts very loud because her mouth is so big. She is starting to cry and she runs away.

 Sarah sits next to me and I can see the sun again and I start to get warm. She gives me a tissue but I'm not crying now. It was funny when she called Victoria Manning fatty.  "I don't want Daddy to go to prison." I wonder who will pick us up from school if Daddy is arrested.

xXx

This place called love

I just want a man with real soul, who wants equality and not control.

I just want a man who's good and smart, a really sharp mind and a very big heart.

I just want a man not scared to weep, to hold me close when we're asleep.

I just want a man who loves romance, who'll clear the floor and ask me to dance.

I just want a man who's spirit is free to hold my hand, walk the world with me.

xXx

Smile :)

Today is To Write Love On Her Arms day. Check it out  http://www.twloha.com/vision/

I'm so happy right now. Not in a running-around-laughing kind of way, I suppose a better word would be content. I still have this solid belief that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be (and a fair idea of what I'm supposed to be here for), I'm making some amazing friends, I've managed my work properly so I actually have some free time this weekend, and I've got enough money to last me til at least February. The last time I felt so right with the world was in 2006 when I was sitting in the living room in Sweden, sewing patches on my jeans. It was only for a few minutes then, but this has lasted 9 weeks now. It's amazing.

  This morning I was praying and I had a kind of epiphany. God sent Jesus to die for me, which is an absolutely phenomenal thing and if that was all he ever did for me that would be far more than I could ever earn or deserve. But he still keeps on giving me things. After letting his son die such an awful death for me, he still keeps providing enough money for me to live, and people to be friends with, and time and space. Because he loves me. God loves me. I've had this said to me millions of times since I was born, but this morning it really hit my heart and I felt it. He loves me.

I'm going to take this opportunity to tell anyone who's reading that there's a circle of post-it notes up on my wall with the names of my friends on. Every day I pray that the people in the circle will be saved, because I can't stand the thought that any of them won't make it to heaven when they die. I think heaven without my friends would be a sad place. So now you know I'm praying for you on a regular basis; expect things to happen. You have been warned :p

xXx

eeny meeny

There's a clapping chant that the girls at camp always sing at least once every year and for some reason I woke up with it in my head.

eeny meeny deci meeny umm on a walka meeny

education lamentation I like you

saw you with your boyfriend, naughty, naughty

saw you eat a whole cake, greedy, greedy

didn't do the washing up, lazy, lazy

jumped out the window, mm-mm crazy

eeny meeny deci meeny umm on a walka meeny 

education lamentation I like you.

Not the faintest idea what it means but the tune is really catchy.

Last night I had a dream about Scottish David, which made a nice change. We were at a festival and he was my bodyguard or something. He kept following me round (in a good way) then he got me in to see Kings of Leon, we had a really good chat and I did some belly dancing for them! At the end David offered to buy me a drink and I said no because I didn't want him to run out of money, then he took out about £100 and set it on the bar. When I asked why he had so much money, he said "oh it's fine, I just carry round a lot of change." I let him buy me a drink after that.

I don't know if I would let him buy me a drink in real life. I did say that I would try and find a nice ginger Scotsman up here, but now I've found one I'm not too sure. Lately I have been thinking about being with someone quite a lot, but I think I still rather like the idea of a boyfriend more than the fact of actually having one. 

But I'm not going to worry about it yet. He's shown no preference for me so I might not have to worry about it at all!

xXx

Noggin ache 2

Why yes, it is possible to get a hangover from one bottle of cider. I thought vodka was meant to be the demon drink, not wild berry cider.  Oh well, now I know! Vodka and coke for me from now on. 

Still not heard from the agency and it's been a week now so I'm going to have a look at some others and see if I can sign up for a few more. It's not such a desperate issue since last week when I got a lot of help, but I still don't have enough to last me the whole year so I will need a job at some point. Unless I get a ridiculous amount of money for Christmas :p

xXx

Monday, Monday

Still happy from my trip home :)  It was so, so good to see people again. I'd forgotten just how friendly my church is! I was sufficiently hugged and now I feel ready to face the six weeks until I go home again for Christmas. 

 My only regret is that I didn't have chance to meet up with my friends as well. But I'm planning to make up for it over Christmas! They'll be sick of the sight of me by January :p 

xXx

trippy

A couple of years ago I did a presentation on 'writing when in an altered state of consciousness'. I covered drugs, alcohol, sleep deprivation and music, but I think I should have added another section on travelling by train in the dark. Although this could have something to do with the fact that I'm absolutely shattered, I feel that the setting of the train helped. So without any more waffle, I present the Random Train Ride Ramblings of Hannah Thorley:

My reflection frightens me. I am colourless. Note to self: never wear black when tired. 

My eyes reflect black as the clouded night sky, vacant holes in a two dimensional face.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

The captain said this will never, never do, never, never do, never, never do. The captain said this will never, never do on the last day of September.

Twenty minutes until I get...where? It's not home and yet it's where I belong. Where it rains. Where it hills and stairs and rains every day. Where the library is the ugliest building I know. Where there are so many men. So many, meny men, so much potential. Twenty minutes until I get...There.

It's the quiet coach. Shut up.

I see a carpet of orange as far as I can see - we must be there. Glasgow means Green Place, but now it will always be black and orange to me. Oh no. They're David's colours. Curses.

I wonder what day it is.

Here's the rain. We're definitely there.

I wonder if anyone thinks I'm pretty.

I wonder how long I was asleep before I started snoring. I wonder how long I was snoring before I woke up...

I want to dance with Scott Maslen.

The windows bounce back a double reflection, a carriage five wide. I could be in a flight simulator there's so much Nothing outside the windows.

This train will terminate.

It's raining! I feel comforted. The buildings wrap around me and keep me from the sky.

Make of that what you will!

xXx

You must allow me to tell you how adrently I admire and love you

I have a GINORMOUS urge to read Pride and Prejudice again, even stronger than the urge to read New Moon whenever I get to the end of Twilight. But I can't! I've got to make some banana bread, write a 500 word parody, print off three lots of work (which is turning out to be an exercise in not smashing my printer on the floor), make some dinner and pack my bags because I'm going home tomorrow!  

 I've managed to stay up here a whole month and I'm really looking forward to seeing home again. It's only until Sunday afternoon, but that's plenty of time for hugging. I'm kind of sad that it'll make me miss salsa though, I've been looking forward to it since Monday morning and it's hard to think I won't get to do it again for more than a week yet. But hugs!! Yay! 

 Anyway, I suppose I'd better get on with that long list of things, as I've only got five hours now to get them all done. Off I go!

xXx

Dreamland

What a strange dream I had last night.  There were a bunch of people being taken to China in a lorry to be sold as slaves and I volunteered to go too (it's fun in my head). The truck was one of those with holes in the side that they use to transport animals and the only thing in the back was hay for us to lie on. It was so crowded that we all had to lie down and spoon to fit in.

 When we got to China all the other slaves turned into the people in my creative writing workshop and me and another girl, Kirsty, got arrested because we had done something wrong, although neither of us had any idea what. Our trial was in some kind of weird arena that had an absolutely massive bouncy castle maze/obstacle course in it. We stood outside the bouncy castle facing this table full of Chinese men. I can't remember what they said but I know it was complete gibberish and I still had no idea what we were supposed to have done. 

 Eventually the men decided that either me or Kirsty had to die, but they couldn't decide which so we had to go into the bouncy castle bit and fight to the death. We had some time to prepare so we went up some stairs at the side of the room and suddenly we were in our lecture theatre. I said that I would go and be killed so Kirsty didn't need to worry about anything. Then Dan, someone else from workshop group, came up and hugged me and wouldn't let me go. He said "When I left that first workshop and I tried to think of the nice people, all I could remember was you and Kirsty. That's why I went and bought that chocolate bar for you." (He didn't, he bought me a drink because I asked, but never mind) when he let me go he was crying, but he went and leaned on the lectern and said something about his contact lenses hurting. 

 They called for us to go down to the fight and I went down on my own. The Chinese men were impressed that I had volunteered so they said that if I survived the maze I wouldn't have to die. 

 The maze was remarkably easy. As soon as I got in this giant inflatable hand came up behind me and started pushing me through faster than I could have walked. There were things rolling from side to side across where I was supposed to walk but the hand just pushed me through and took all the force.

 I was pushed back to the beginning then a girl appeared next to me (as people do in dreams) and said we had to do the number test. There was a board on the wall with different coloured numbers on and then a man came into the bouncy castle and started twisting his body into really weird shapes. The girl explained that we had to guess which number the man was making before he got his body completely into the shape. I guessed 5 but the judges came in and said no, it was 2 because he was bending his leg backwards not forwards.

  Then I woke up. Seriously, it is fun in my head!

xXx

noggin ache

Is it possible to have a hangover from one bottle of strawberry pear cider? It's either that or lack of sleep. I was really hoping to be down to a certain weight by this Saturday but it's quite hard to get motivated to go to the gym when I can feel my pulse banging on my forehead. I'm kind of cross because I was down to that weight at the weekend, but then I had a lazy, stuff-my-face day and I've gone right back up again! It's remarkable just how easy it is to put weight on compared to losing it.

 I absolutely LOVE my new boots. They are so incredibly warm! I never expect much at all from Primark produce but in this case I'm pleasantly surprised.  I honestly tried to just go in, get the boots and leave, but on the way out I saw a gorgeous jumper. It's scarlet (which is why I noticed it) and made of really thick wool. I reckon it's probably meant to be worn as a dress or over leggings but I'd wear it as a jumper. It might just have to be added to the 'things I will buy if I ever get a job' list. And I can justify it too - it's nearly Winter and I'm in Glasgow, known for it's white Winters, so I'm gonna need all the jumpers I can get!

 No news from the agency yet but I'm not worrying. Just keeping my phone with me at all times.

xXx

I see now

I figured it out! The whole spelling issue.  I am phenomenal at spelling, and I've always been quite proud of this. But deep down I really truly believe that I'm stupid. So if I'm stupid and I can spell words correctly just by hearing them, what does that make someone who can't spell? 

 Still no idea if this makes me a snob, but at least I understand it now.

 It's been an amazing night. Went out with the creative writers as usual (which I'm REALLY going to miss when this course is over) and I spoke to a lot of people that are usually away on the other end of the table. It was good but I think I may have offended one of the American guys by saying I don't like his accent and that Americans can't spell. I feel sorry for that now. I mean they weren't at the same time, there was quite a gap between the two so at the time it didn't feel like I was attacking his American-ness. But now I'm worried in case that's how he saw it. I'll apologise next time I see him.

 But anyways it was amazing because I realised that there are about as many different reasons to write as there are writers. I write to escape from reality, because quite a lot of the time reality sucks. That's why I don't like novels that keep you hanging and leave it up to the reader to decide what happens - I have enough of that in real life, I want clear cut endings to my books!  But it had never ever occurred to me that some people don't write for that reason. It sounds stupid but the thought has just never crossed my mind before. Even when everyone was telling me why they write I couldn't quite get my head round it. I couldn't imagine being motivated to write by the things that motivate them.

  I'm still struggling a bit with Dan, who writes 'non-happily ever after's because they don't happen in life. It's the exact opposite of why I write and it's just boggling my brain to think about it. Or maybe that's the strawberry pear cider...

xXx

How long today seems. I managed to sign up with a grand total of one agency. I should really have looked up some addresses instead of wandering round for 3 hours. 

 But the day wasn't wasted - I picked up an application form for some Christmas work and got a pair of boots to replace my holey trainers. I managed to resist the urge to go to Mcdonalds and/or KFC and even dropped some spare change into a bucket. I felt sorry for the guy, it was absolutely chucking it down with rain. Hopefully I should hear from this agency tomorrow and soony soon I can start earning some money at last.

xXx

Best CV forward

Last night I had a dream that I went to see Debbie and when David saw me there he was absolutely livid. He went mental and started screaming at me to get out and how dare I even show my face there. It was kind of scary actually.

I'm off to bed in a minute; early night because tomorrow I'm going to do my best to look presentable and head off to every agency I can find. I have my form of ID, smart boots and newly updated CVs ready to go. I am not coming home again until I've at least got the potential for some work to come my way! If it sounds really promising I might go and have a cream tea at the Butterfly and Pig tea rooms. Although I should probably buy some trainers before I go buying non-essential things like scones with vanilla cream.

So yeah, off I go. Hopefully I'll be able to sign in tomorrow and type in an overly-large font I HAVE A JOB!

xXx