Misread

I walked past a sign on a billboard. I read it as 'People Are Evil', when I got closer I saw that it actually said 'Pierce The Veil'. My cynical side appears to be taking over.

xXx

Awkward turtle ahoy

A couple of nights ago I had a conversation that ended up being an exercise in the many different forms of social awkwardness. After a long day walking round in the wind and rain I was heading for my train home when I saw one of my friends and my Scottish ex coming towards me. Let's count the different awkwards:

1)  I stopped to talk to my friend, but she was obviously planning to just say 'hi' and walk past me.

2)  I said hi to the ex's chest, being completely unable to look him in the eye.

3) After that I was unable to look at him at all despite being intensely aware of him standing next to me.

4) I got mixed up explaining my new living situation to my friend and sounded like my brain had fallen out.

5) At this point I realised that my hair was everywhere, I had bags under my eyes and random stains on my trainers.

6) The ever-present problem of not knowing how to say bye to people without it being horribly awkward.

So that was an interesting end to the day. 

It was a good day before that though. Mum and Grandma came up to visit me and on the way Mum sent me a text saying that she had a surprise for me. I can't just leave things like that alone so I spent the morning thinking what she could have brought me; my best guess was a potential graduation dress. Turns out it was my brother! He's the last of my immediate family to come and visit me up here so it was really good to see him and show him round Glasgow. I was a bit disappointed with the weather, and the fact that Bute Hall was locked for the first time I've ever seen, but it was so good to see them and get some hugs.

In other news, I have a Christmas job at the post office. Hopefully things will turn out as they did for Dad and they'll offer me a permanent job so I can live off that until I can find something that doesn't involve shifts but does involve lots of paper. Yay for admin.

xXx

Crossroads

First, an update. I left my job after 9 days work because I wasn't going to be paid thanks to a complete lack of sales pitches. My Scottish man said no so I am once again single. The flatmate didn't get chance to kick me out; the landlady has already done it.

 I have to be out of the flat by this time next week, and this is where I reach the crossroads. I could scramble around trying to find someone else who will let me stay for very little/no money until I can get a job, then find somewhere proper to live and finally start to feel like I properly live in Glasgow. Or I could go back to Crewe. 

 I know I've mentioned this so frequently even I'm starting to get bored of it, but it was always in an 'oh no, not leaving Glasgow!?!' kind of way. Now it's different. I still don't particularly want to leave, but the thought of continuing this constant fight to stay here makes me feel so, so tired.

 Maybe it's time to admit that I'm not meant to be here, and just go home.

xXx

Count your blessings

In an attempt to stop myself going emo again and ending up a depressed wreck, I've decided I'm going to start living my life positively. This is a complete overhaul for me so I'm starting off small. For example today I'm focusing on the fact that on the way to and from work the subway train turned up just as I got onto the platform, and that I was one of only three people in my shift who managed to get a bite. I also have 2 sales this week so will be paid at least £100. All good things.

I've no idea how this will hold up the next time something bad happens, but for now it's working brilliantly.

xXx

Whinge

Usually I hate getting all emo and whining in public like this, but sack it, it's my turn. 

In less than three weeks I will have been in Glasgow for a year, and so far the only job I've managed to get is working in a call centre where I only get as far as 'Hi, my name's Hannah' before people hang up on me.

I'm sleeping in a friend's living room, and when the other flatmate comes home after Summer I'm gonna have to start paying (with money I don't have yet) or move out. Other flatmate really doesn't sound like the sharing type so I may yet be kicked out.

Scottish man is naffing off to Florence, I asked to go with him so we could stay together and he's 'thinking about it'. There's a lead weight in my gut that tells me my subconscious has already decided he will say no. I can't decide whether this is pessimistic or realistic. I just know that it scares me.

The only good thing about my life feeling like a complete mess is that I've lost my appetite and my weight's finally started going down. Except it's not really good is it, because that's not a healthy way to lose weight. 

I think I'll go and eat some worms.

xXx

Decisions, decisions.

The thing I was dreading has happened. They offered my Scottish man a permanent place in Florence, and of course he's going to take it. So I have a decision to make. 

There are several patterns emerging that Im beginning to feel will be permanent parts of my life. First, that I will always love people more than they love me. Second, that whenever it comes to a difficult decision it will always be left to me to choose the right answer, no matter how painful the right answer may be.

I believe every pastor who has preached that troubles come to train us for what God really wants us to do. But I wonder what on earth God's going to do with me that needs me to be this strong.

xXx

Too much time

Me and my flatmate just spent ten minutes looking up remixes of the Skype ringtone, then we found a piece of music which someone has created entirely out of sounds made by MSN Messenger. It was nice to see that there's someone out there with even more time to waste than we have.

  All this lack of things to do has also given me a lot of time to think. Over the last few days I've been thinking about my friends. I've often heard the theory that when people choose friends they tend to go for people who look like themselves. Thinking through my oldest and closest friends, I blatantly disprove this theory because they are every last one of them blonde with blue or green eyes, aside from one who is ginger. None of those adjectives can be applied to me, not even a little bit.  

  So I wonder why I chose them as my friends. We're all different body shapes so that's not it. We have different hobbies (although there is some overlap with a couple of them), we want to do different things with our lives and have different careers, we have different stances on things like marriage and having kids, and (as far as I know) I'm the only Christian. I can't think of a single thing that all my friends have in common, with each other or with me. 

  I guess this one will be filling my time for a while yet, because after days of thinking about it my answer is still 'I don't know'. Oh well, I suppose it's good for my brain to keep it working on something.

xXx

Apologies for my minor breakdown yesterday.

Let's just pretend it never happened and move on. 

I seem to be in love with the idea of strawberries. 

I called into Waitrose on the way home from church today and saw that some of the strawberry punnets were reduced. 'Ooh strawberries.' I thought, 'Just what we need!' so I bought some. When I got home I unloaded them proudly onto the table by the fruit bowl, and smiled when my flatmate said she was really glad that we had some. 

Then it came to dinner time. I had the main bit (Waitrose reduced pork - nummy!) and then decided that I would have some of my strawberries for dessert. So I washed a few, picked the green bits off, put one in my mouth...and had to fight the urge to spit it back out again. It was only then that I remembered my love is for strawberry-flavoured things, not the fruits themselves.

I really, really wish I liked strawberries. But I don't.

xXx

What am I doing wrong?

On Thursday I had an interview. I was last in (thanks to public transport ¬_¬) which meant that I was called for interview last, so I had loads of time to prepare my answers.  I went in, I smiled, I chatted with the interviewer, I gave my answers like I hadn't been practising them for the last 45 minutes, and I came out feeling really good about it. I was actually confident (for once in my life) that I'd got the job.

But today I got that email again. The ever-so-polite 'thanks but no thanks' email, which I now have enough of to wallpaper a room with if I printed them all off. I don't know what else to do. What can I do when a perfect interview still ends up with yet another addition to the NO pile?

I was going to start another job search today, but I've kind of lost the will.

xXx

Genius

Once again the Complete Muppet Award goes to me. I was walking my friend's dog with her, when he spotted a muffin lying on the floor. Of course he went for it and somehow managed to get the whole thing into his mouth. Now, after years of walking Mickey I have extensive experience of taking foreign objects from a reluctant dog's mouth. So I just went into auto-pilot and went to grab as much of the muffin as I could out of this doggy's mouth. 

 It didn't occur to me until I was putting the soggy remains of the muffin into the bin that 1) He was a Staffordshire bull terrier, 2) For years he was used for dog fighting, and 3) He might not like a stranger putting her hand right in his mouth. 

I'm so glad I still have all my fingers right now.

xXx

Time for a bit of waffle

I lost all illusions (delusions?) of healthy eating the other day when I nommed my way through a sausage butty. And the Tunnock's teacake I just ate. Although to be fair to myself, the only reason I had a GINORMOUS craving for the teacake was because I nearly killed myself at boxfit this morning. It got to the stage where I was telling my muscles to work harder and nothing was happening, they had absolutely no more to give me, and I kept going anyway. I actually thought I was going to fall over when the class finally finished. I suspect I'll have trouble even getting out of bed tomorrow, but the sense of well-being I have right now pre-emptively makes it worth it.

Today I realised that my final assignment is due in four weeks and three days. Then I realised that for one of those weeks I'm going to be at camp and will have absolutely no chance to work on it. Cack! I've got the minimum word count so technically I could just leave it as is and spend that time editing it, but I don't want to. The range is 15,000 to 25,000 words (which is ridiculously wide if you ask me) and it worries me that I might have 10,000 words less than some other people. At the same time it's highly unlikely that I can write a good quality 10,000 words in the three weeks available to me. So I'm aiming for around 18,000 to 20,000 for my final word count. Hopefully a nice balance between quality and quantity.

In other news, I found out the likely date of my graduation today - it's about 19 weeks away. I also found out that THERE WILL BE KILTS!! 

Oh it's going to be a good day.

xXx

Domestic goddess

I'm feeling ridiculously proud of myself right now because I just cooked pork chops for the first time in my life, and they were gooooood. It also feels good because that's the healthiest meal I've eaten for quite some time; just meat and half a mixing bowl of salad with mayo and balsamic vinergar dressing. I'm not entirely sure if mayo is meant to go with vinegar, but they were the two things that I fancied so I just stuck them in the bowl and mixed. It was very tasty. I feel like moving in with salsa friend is making me a healthier person. I mean, I've just started eating an orange and I didn't think I even liked oranges!

xXx

Sun is shinin'

So, I've managed a week of my Scottish man being in another country. It's quite hard to believe that it's been a whole week, but it seems everyone was right and the time he's away will go really quickly.

  Today I've spent a lot of time sitting in the sun, just enjoying the unusual sensation of being warm in Scotland. We've actually had quite a few good days over the last week, and I've been making the most of it. I still find it fascinating to watch my skin change colour when it gets some sunlight, probably just because it doesn't happen all that often. I can only really watch the process on my arms though; I am now absolutely convinced that my legs no longer have the ability to tan. I've worn dresses and skirts and cropped trousers, my legs probably haven't seen this much daylight since primary school, and still I look like the bottom half of my body belongs to someone else. Oh well, spray tan it is! 

  This week I've started going to the gym again, and I wonder why I ever stopped. I was in there for an hour and because of that I've felt good about myself all day. That's a pretty good input:outcome ratio. I'm also going to Boteco for salsa tonight so we'll see how well I cope with two lots of exercise in one day. I think I'll be fine, just because salsa is much more fun than the gym.

  Still no news on the job front, so I'd better go and get on with this application that I've been staring at for two days. 

xXx

Salsa people are good people

I've moved in with my friend from salsa. Right now I'm sitting in the kitchen with her and the guy who helped me move all my luggage over here, we're eating strawberries and Haagen Dazs ice cream and listening to random old songs on youtube. It's my second day here and I already feel ten times more at home than I ever did in my old place. I'm so gutted I can only stay til salsa friend's flatmate comes back, I would love so much to stay here forever. 

  So, it's American Independence day today and I spent the earlier part of the afternoon eating burgers with some of the Americans from the creative writing course. It was fun, but the jabs at me being English made me miss my Scottish man quite badly. He's been away for three days now and I seem to be coping okay, but then he has called me at least twice every one of those days. I don't want to think how much that must be costing him, but I seriously doubt he can keep it up for the whole month. It seems very likely that I will not cope so well when the day comes that he can't call me at all. 

  Today I read the worst written book I have ever seen. It was so bad it was almost painful, but at the same time it's kind of encouraging because if that rubbish can get published then I've got absolutely nothing to worry about! I mean there were huge chunks of it with just random words italicised, and the number of missing fullstops was phenomenal. It was a good lesson in how never EVER to write. It's going to the charity shop tomorrow, although I feel a bit guilty about inflicting it on someone else.

xXx

News

Turns out the job advert lied and it was actually for a door-to-door salesperson. Sack that for a laugh. So, sadly, I am still jobless. Also, I can't apply for jobseekers allowance because my student loans cover everything. Somebody louder than me needs to tell the Job Centre that you can't get student loans for a masters coz they didn't listen when I said it. Oh well, back to the job hunt I go. 

However, even if I don't manage to get a job in the next 10 days, all may not be lost. I have a friend at salsa who says she would have no problem letting me stay with her. Now I didn't definitely commit so I don't have any details like whether she would expect me to pay rent and things like that. But still it's a possibility and little ray of hope at the end of what has been a pretty rubbish day. I'm hopefully going to see her tomorrow so I can check it out properly.

Oh, one highlight of the day: I was walking home when I heard this voice say, "Scuze me, can you help me?" This woman was hanging out the window of a ground floor flat, waving to get my attention. She had been locked in the flat but the parking ticket on her car was about to run out and she wanted to know if I would help. She threw out (very trustingly, I think) some money wrapped in a bit of paper and I bought her a ticket and stuck it under the windscreen wipers. It made me feel slightly better to have helped someone, and made me grin every time I thought about how random it must have looked to anyone walking by. This city is many, many things, but never boring.

xXx

Times are changing

Finally I have some news to report in the job-hunting area. Nothing major yet, but I do have my first ever Scottish interview booked. It's for a Summer job so even if I get it I'll still have to keep looking, but as long as I get to stay in Glasgow (and I would comfortably be able to with this job) then I really don't mind.

Thing is, I'm shaky with nerves already and the interview's not til Monday, so I'm a wee bit worried that I'll blow it just by looking too much like a rabbit caught in headlights. Time to Google 'how to stay calm at interviews' I think.

My other news is not so happy. In two weeks my Scottish man is going to Florence for a month because he's a genius artist, which I could deal with coz a month is nothing compared to the time I spent in Sweden. The sad part is that now he tells me he may not be coming back.  There will be an exhibition at the end of the month and if someone likes his work they could sign him up to stay there and paint for them. Having heard the way he talks about his hometown I have no doubt that he would say yes immediately, and having seen his work I have no doubt that somebody will ask him. So I have 15 days, and then I might never see him again. 

It's hard to think about it, so I'm trying really hard not to. Lets hope I get the job so it can keep my mind occupied.
xXx

Poverty

I think I've had a brief glimpse of how Africa must feel when they look at the UK and America. 

There's me (Africa) eating toast for dinner, for the tenth day running, and dreaming of vegetables because I can't remember the last time I could afford to buy any. Then there's my landlady (UK+US) with so much food she can't physically eat it all and just leaves it stacked up in the fridge, rotting. It would be so easy for her to say, "I can't manage all of this, why don't you have some?" but she doesn't.  

They must be so cross with us.

On the plus side, this level of skint-ness is making me really look at how wasteful I am. I know that several times in my life I've bought too much food and let at least half of it just go off. I particularly remember looking at a bunch of bananas that had started to get brown spots on them and thinking 'I could make banana bread with those', then leaving them until they turned black and became completely inedible. If time travel were possible I would go back there and shake me, and tell her how much I would give to have a few bananas right now.  This feels like the kind of lesson that's gonna stay with me for the rest of my life; I guess that's at least one of the reasons for my being so poor right now.

In other news: I've worked out how to turn the heating on in the flat. 'Ecstatic' doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about this.

xXx

If I get a job.

My entire life seems to be resting on this sentence.  I can stay in Glasgow if I get a job. I can bring my car up if I get a job. I'll be able to buy my own drinks and stop feeling guilty about scrounging off my boyfriend if I get a job. I'll be able to stay with my boyfriend if I get a job. And have my hair cut, and take the subway into town instead of walking for 45 minutes, and buy proper food, and start swing dance lessons, and get boots that won't wear through in two weeks, and stop worrying until I give myself heartburn.

I now have a grand total of £15 to last me til the 1st of July. I haven't yet built up the courage to work out how much that is per day.  The really worrying thing is that now my choice is between having food and going to salsa, and I think I know which one's going to win.

Trying not to panic

I'm back in Glasgow again. Didn't get the clerical assistant job, things still good with my Scottish man, two assignments due in 62 hours. Proper update to follow when they're handed in.

xXx

Update

Okay, I am slightly ashamed that it's now been almost three weeks since I last wrote anything here. But not too ashamed because I've been busily writing things for my masters instead! I'm up to 15,000 words on my novel, I've figured out what to do for my CX assignment and I've even started it. Feeling productive :) 

In other news I've applied for a job that I really, really want to do up here. It's a clerical assistant in a primary school, which may not sound that great, but it's perfect for me. Not only would I get to indulge my OCD by alphebetising and filing things, I'd also get to help out with putting up the wall displays. I've always wanted a go at that! Plus the job's 30 hours a week so I would have enough time to keep writing and having a social life, and it's enough money for me to stay here in Glasgow.

I also have an extra reason for wanting to stay in Scotland now. Namely that I've found that nice Scottish man I was searching for. We've been out a few times and I really like him, I'm actually a bit annoyed that I'm going home soon and won't get to see him for two weeks. But oh well, he'll still be here when I come back.

I'm so happy right now it's probably obnoxious :p

xXx

It's finally happened

After 7 months Scottish has finally battered its way through my English barrier and begun to take over. I can no longer say 'yes', it's always 'aye'. And the other day I actually came out with 'nae bothar' in the middle of a conversation. 

I'm going native!

xXx

I've noticed something

Male-led dancing is a thing of extremes. When it's bad it's boring, confusing, painful and sometimes downright disgusting (sweaty neck. That's all I'm saying).  

But when it's good it feels like flying.

I've never had a dance that was anywhere in between the two, it's always one or the other. 

xXx

Productivity

At the beginning of this year an assignment was due that included a synopsis and blurb of my novel. One result of doing this assignment was that the planned ending of my book was changed entirely, and since then I haven't written a single new word of it. 

But after a tutorial I realised the problem wasn't that I had changed the ending, it was the fact that I was thinking about the ending at all. I had figured out that it was over 60,000 words away and I had no idea how to fill that much writing space. So yesterday I sat down and spent a good two hours working out what could and should happen between the start and the end. Here's the result:

Isn't it pretty. The colours represent the importance of the event, so I made sure I had at least one amber or red event for each day. Friday looks a bit frantic doesn't it! 

 And this prettiful chart helps in two ways. Firstly I can start writing again because I know exactly what's going to happen next, and after that, and after that and so on. Secondly the entire 80,000ish words have been broken down into 16 little chunks. I can think about it as writing 16 short stories, which I already know I can do because I have around that number of short stories to my name. Even better is the fact that I've already written a few of the chunks so I only have 10 or 11 to go. 

Suddenly writing a whole novel doesn't seem like such an impossible task.

xXx

Beware the sniper within

When I was getting ready for the salsa club night yesterday, I looked in the mirror to see if my hair still looked okay and my brain went, "Well, it's not as bad as your face."

Ouch.

xXx

I'm a fraud

Well, I at least feel like one every time the words 'I'm a writer' come tripping out of my mouth. It takes my brain about a millisecond to point out that it can't actually remember the last time I sat down and just wrote something, and that I've only ever won one writing competition and that didn't have a prize, and that I can't even write in my blog regularly. Then this other voice chips in with something along the lines of "if you spent as much time writing as you did dancing you'd probably be published by now."  

 I don't actually think that voice is right, I would just be a lot further on with my novel, but it is making a good point about my priorities. I love salsa, it's the most fun I've had for a while and there are very few things that can make me smile as much as I do when dancing, but it's not what I want to be. I want to be a writer. A proper writer who wins competitions and has books published and actually earns a bit of money from it. But that's not going to happen unless I sort myself out and actually do some writing!

It's time to give myself a kick up the backside, stop faffing about on facebook and get on with it. Off I go!

Oh wait... I need to make some biscuits for housegroup tonight. But after that I will write like I've never written before!

xXx

Yikes

So yesterday I saw my backside for the first time, what an eye-opening experience. I mean I've kind of seen it before; glimpses of it as I walk past shop windows and I usually do some weird craning motion when I try new clothes on to see if it looks okay, but the positioning of my friend's bathroom mirror was absolutely perfect to give me a full, colour, HD view of it. My word. I'm still a wee bit traumatised. I always knew it was too big, I just didn't quite realise the exact proportion of big-ness.

 The only thing stopping me having a ginormous breakdown right now is the fact that I lost two pounds over the weekend. Not a huge amount I know, but it's more than I've managed to shift in the last month so I'm incredibly happy about it. Hopefully it'll be just the boost I need to get off my (incredibly large) backside, go to the gym and carry on losing weight.

  On another self-improvement note, I've become absolutely sick of listening to people reel off the list of languages they can speak before turning to me and going "so what can you speak?" and every single time I feel like the dumbest idiot ever when I have to go "only English."  So I've got myself some Spanish-learning software and I've already made a start. It's such a long time since I tried to learn any language so I'm not sure how well it's going to work, but I at least want to try. So far I can say; good morning; good evening; how are you?; I'm fine, and you?; and I'm sorry.

Anyway, my sister is coming for a visit quite early tomorrow so I'd better go to bed in a minute.  Look at that, a whole post without one mention of salsa! Oh wait....

xXx

Boteco

Just a quick update before I have to leg it to my tutorial.

So I ended up  going to the salsa club (I never really doubted that I would) and it was pretty good. I only got asked to dance a few times, but my theory is that it's because I'm new and they don't know if I'm worth dancing with yet. Next time I think I'm just gonna have to man up and ask them first so I can prove that I am worth dancing with. The thing is, it didn't really matter that I wasn't dancing much because the atmosphere was brilliant and it was enough to just sit there watching other people dancing and enjoying it. I had a really, really good time. 

 Then when it finished a bunch of us walked home together. It was an hour walk but it didn't feel anywhere near that long because it was so much fun being with everyone, and I had a long chat about books with the sexy salsa instructor's girlfriend. I feel like I should think of a different name for him now I know he's got a girlfriend. It's not really right calling him sexy. Hmm, I shall think about it.

xXx

Gutteeeeed!

So I got to do a sexy bachata dance with my favourite Scottish instructor this week.  Right before I found out he's got a girlfriend.  The strange thing is, now I think about it I'm actually less gutted about this than I was last week about not getting to dance with him. I think the reasons for this are:

1 - I made friends with his girlfriend (she's just too nice to hate). 

2 - After yesterday I feel more like he and I are friends, instead of just two people who do salsa.

3 - I never really expected him to like me anyway.

I'm considering taking them up on the offer of going to a salsa club on Wednesday. At the moment it's fairly likely that I will do it because I really want to go to a salsa club, and it would be fun to spend some time socialising with non-uni people. Wonderful as the uni people are, you just can't spend all your time with one lot of people. That's why I'm so excited about the fact that I have visitors coming this week! Two friends coming all the way up from Crewe for the weekend. I can't wait :D

xXx

Moving on

I think it's time to start looking for a different flat. 

A couple of nights ago I was lying in bed unable to get to sleep because the extractor fan in the bathroom was running and it makes the single most grating, irritating sound in the world. I couldn't think what Flatmate was doing for so long in the bathroom, but I figured it's none of my business and I didn't want to go and knock in case she was waxing her legs or something that you really don't want interrupting.  But then I lay there for another half an hour and the noise was still going. I decided that as I wasn't going to get to sleep any time soon I would go and get a drink. So I went out of my room and saw that Flatmate wasn't in the bathroom at all, she had just left the light on and the fan running.  I switched it off and tried very hard not to slam my door on the way back into my room, because it was fine, I could go to sleep now.  But the second I got into bed, she switched her hair dryer on.

And last night I didn't get in til after midnight and I tried my absolute hardest to be quiet so I didn't disturb her. Then at 7.30 this morning I was woken up by the sound of plates and bowls being slammed onto the side in the kitchen. I just do not understand how someone so small can be so completely incapable of doing anything quietly!

xXx

Sad times

I think I talk about salsa too much. But I can't help it; I am so completely in love with it. I remember a time in small group at church when the ice breaker was for everyone to learn a simple Hebrew dance, and my instant reaction, said in my most scathing tone,  was "I don't dance." My word, was I wrong.

The title's a bit misleading. A lot of yesterday was actually really good times. In the beginner class all the female instructors were needed as men so the sexy Scottish instructor used me to demonstrate all the moves. ALL of them. And that meant that when everyone else switched partners, I got to stay with sexy Scottish instructor. It was awesome.  When I finally did move on, one of the female instructors was like 'why are you still doing the beginner's class??' (which I'm taking to mean I was dancing really well :p ). I told her it's because I get to dance for another couple of hours and she said I should come along next time they all go to a salsa club.  If I ever actually do I think it'll be one of the most intimidating groups I've ever been in. They're all so good sometimes it terrifies me in case I muck up and they never want to dance with me again. 

 The sad times came at the end of the class. We moved on to bachata (which can be a LOT sexier than salsa) for the last part of the beginner class. Now, normally we dance bachata a bit apart from our partners, almost like ballroom dancing. But for some reason yesterday everyone was a bit more in each other's personal space. Then it got to my turn with sexy Scottish instructor. He put his hand on my back and pulled me in til our bodies were touching, I put my head on his shoulder, and he took my hand. And then the music stopped.  

It still makes me laugh just how disappointed I was. It's probably a good job I was under his chin and he couldn't see me; my face must have been a picture! Oh well. Maybe next week.

In other news, one of my friends will shortly be a new mummy. Well, I say shortly. Her waters broke early yesterday morning and then not much else happened. I think I remember hearing that first babies usually take their time, so I suppose it could still be a while yet. But I hope not. First of all because I imagine labour's pretty rubbish so long = bad, but also because I'm so desperately excited to see him or her. I can't wait!

xXx

Give me a job!

So, I have a ginormous number of CVs all printed off and ready to go, and the plan for the next two days is to wander up and down the three main streets of Glasgow and hand them in at any shop I think I could possibly work in. Whether they're looking for new staff or not.  Because as things stand I only have enough money to stay here until March.

Technically I could move back home at the start of April because all the teaching for my course will have finished by the end of March. But I don't want to. I've got salsa here, and the gym for £40 per year instead of per month, and S'mug and Starbucks, and tall, yellow-gold buildings, and Hogwarts, and a cinema with armchairs instead of aeroplane seats, and a library with 12 floors, several libraries in fact, and the quiet, and a million little things that I don't want to get used to living without. I mean, even the six flights of stairs up to the flat make me feel good about myself, because that sure as heck has to count as a huge chunk of my daily exercise.

I know that I'm supposed to be here because every single time I've almost run out of money, some more has showed up out of nowhere. But then I think what if I'm only supposed to be here for the duration of the course, and when it ends I'll 'supposed to be' somewhere else. Like Crewe. I'm really starting to feel like I could stay here forever. And how will I find my ginger Scotsman if I have to go home??

xXx

So much to consider

First, I cannot believe how much I missed salsa! The music started and everyone was moving and I felt such a release. It was almost physical, like I'd been holding my breath too long.

Second, I think I'm a little bit in love with the Scottish instructor.

Third, there must be something seriously wrong with me. Yesterday I went for coffee with my American twin; a process that can easily eat two or three hours without either of us noticing. But it got to an hour and something started to feel wrong about my side of the conversation. I realised it was the fact that I couldn't work out the appropriate facial expressions in response to what American twin was saying. In one hour I had managed to completely wear out my sociableness.

And tonight I was sitting waiting for someone to ask me to dance, and one of the female instructors was sitting kind of in front of me but to the side. I saw her looking at me, and I knew that I should say something, even if it didn't turn into a whole conversation, just to be polite. But I stared past her and watched everyone dancing. Not one single word. And then I had a big 'woe is me' moment on the way home because I couldn't work out why everyone at salsa seemed to be bestest friends apart from me!

Can't be bothered counting any more. I have a heck of a lot of weight to lose. There are moments (far too frequently) where I just feel like a beached whale.

I want someone to dance bachata with.

In the beginner's class they asked me to do the male part as there were so many women there. It took an incredibly long time for me to stop automatically doing the female footwork, which I suppose is a good thing coz it means I have muscle memory for the footwork. But then in intermediate I went back to being a woman and it felt very strange. And it was weird that it felt weird. I've been doing the woman's part for three months and the man's for two hours, how exactly was it so difficult? 

The wind is howling outside again. If I won the lottery I would buy this flat and install some flipping double glazing. Also carpets.

And finally, I really, really need some serious sleep.

xXx

Thinking, always thinking

So far no sign of the gentleman I met at Daft Friday. But now I think about it, I'm not entirely sure I want to find him again. What if it turns out he smokes, or chews with his mouth open, or swears every second word? I think it's much safer to just keep him as a happy memory in my head, to pull out whenever I start to feel like the most unattractive person in the world.

xXx

Oh, dear

I don't know how you do it but you've got into my head again. A memory I'd completely forgotten until now - the first time I remember really seeing you.  

 It was a baptism or a dedication at that church near Mum and Dad's house, and you were recording it. I finally worked up the courage to walk in, then realised that I didn't recognise a single person there. And this was in the days before you gave me some confidence in myself, so I was on the brink of leaving when I saw you and your Mum across the room.  It was only when I got to the end of your row of seats that it occurred to me you might not remember who I was, and if you did you might not want me to sit with you. But then you looked at me and smiled.  

 I suppose it was inevitable I would end up liking you, when the first time you properly registered in my mind was as a place of safety. 

xXx

Smelling salts at the ready

I feel as feeble as an Austen character. I have a cold/cough but, as my new year's resolution is to lose weight, I decided to go for a walk. Now it wasn't a hike up a mountain or a 10 mile round trip, I just posted a letter, paid a cheque into the bank and came home. Then I had to have a lie down. Seriously. I mean, come on! I'm only 22 and it's only a cold, what the heck is going on?! Maybe I've watched one too many period dramas and it's starting to rub off on me. But I draw the line at swooning, there will be none of that going on no matter how ill I get!

That 2010 questionnaire thing I did was from another blog I read called 'think like a woman, act like a man'. I don't know how to do fiddly hyperlinks so here's the address http://rubyredslipper.blogspot.com

xXx

2010

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Salsa, moved to Glasgow, started a masters degree, lived with a Scottish person. What did I do for the rest of the year??

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I made any. This year's is to get back down to 11 stone.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A few people at Tesco

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
Scotland

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Richard Armitage! Oh, a serious answer. Erm a job, mostly.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

No specific dates, but I do have a few very vivid memories.

-The party for Ken and Sandy's golden wedding anniversary, because David and the new girlfriend were there. First time I've ever been so nervous I felt sick. Also because I totally rocked my little black dress with red heels :p

- My graduation, for obvious reasons

- My first thanksgiving, because I am COMPLETELY in love with sweet potato pie.

- The first time I saw Glasgow university. It actually took my breath away.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
It's a tie between passing undergrad and being accepted into one of the best unis for creative writing masters. Although I think that my merit for grade 4 piano deserves a mention

9. What was your biggest failure?
Weight gain! I'm also kind of ashamed that I couldn't be mature enough to speak to David at the anniversary do.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Aside from a surprisingly small number of colds, no. Oh, except that one time I fell over on the ice and landed on my hip that STILL hurts.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Can I say that I bought my masters? I mean, I had to pay money for it. Other than that I would say my '3 CDs for £10' offer. Simple things :p

12. Where did most of your money go?

To the University of Glasgow's finance department.

13. What did you get really excited about?
Moving to Glasgow, graduation, Christmas.

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Hmm I don't think there is a song that I will ever hear and go, "oh yeah, 2010..." my brain just doesn't work like that

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


- happier or sadder? Happier
- thinner or fatter? Fatter
- richer or poorer? Most decidedly poorer

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Work, so I could have a bit more money now. Meeting up with my friends, exercise, writing.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Shopping, so I could have a bit more money now. Worrying, obsessing over David, eating junk, sitting on my backside, gaining weight.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
At Mum and Dad's house, and also a little bit at Grandma's. Eating, mainly.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

North and South! North and South! The BBC are awesome at adaptations. It's closely followed by Merlin and Strictly Come Dancing. Yes, I'm sad.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Pride and Prejudice, always. Erm I don't think I read any books that came out in 2010.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Most of the Eclipse soundtrack, and Jacob's theme. Howard Shore is a genius! Also a lot of Rihanna's new songs.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Avatar! Also Eclipse, Sherlock Holmes and Tron. Harry Potter was pretty good too.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 22 and I honestly can't remember what I did. But I'm sure it was awesome...

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Getting down to my target weight instead of putting some back on ¬_¬

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

26. What kept you sane?
I'm sane? Well, that's good to know. Probably Pride and Prejudice and regular trips home to stock up my hug bank.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Going to a party full of strangers on your own could just have wonderful results, so don't be afraid. 

xXx