I love the inside of new hoodies, it's so soft! The problem is it's so soft I want to wear it all the time and then it'll need to be washed which will stop it being as soft :( If only there was a way to make hoodies permanently soft inside...
Anyway, here is the last parody that I've written so far. There should be five at this point but I'm seriously struggling to write an ironic one. It would help if people could make up their mind what the heck 'irony' even means. But anyway here is my parody of Natalia Ginzburg's The Things We Used To Say.
When we were younger Dad used to take us to see our grandparents almost every day. Each time Nanna opened the door she would say, "Haven't you grown!" This annoyed my brother Andrew who, being much older, realised that it was impossible to have grown a noticeable amount in a single day. He would stamp into the house, muttering, "I literally doubt it." He had read a book with the word 'literally' in and he used it enthusiastically without fully understanding what it meant.
Nanna's "haven't you grown!" could have been referring to our waistlines. We mainly enjoyed going there because we were allowed sugar in our tea and unlimited access to the biscuit box. It was inevitable that we would get fat.
Gramps never seemed to have an ounce of spare fat on his body. He would sit in his chair and hold out his skinny arms as we entered the living room. We took it in turns to sit on his knee, give hima hug and answer the question, "So what have you done with yourself today?"
Andrew would sigh and say, "Literally nothing." Before stepping away to turn on CITV. Rachael would give him a replay of her day in minute detail, sitting there so long that Gramps' legs must have ached by the time she clambered back to the floor. I would just lean into the hug and tell him which book I was reading at the time.
Nanna and Gramps always knew when we had tests or exams at school, and one of them would lean forward over their cup of tea and say, "So how did you do?" If we had done well Nanna ordered us to have another biscuit to celebrate, and if we failed she held out the biscuit box as consolation. Gramps would always react the same way. We would say, "I got seven out of ten on my spelling test!" and Gramps would reply, "Where's the other three?" He always smiled to show he didn't mean it. We never minded but it was still motivating to try and get full marks just to see what Gramps would say.
As we got older our visits grew less frequent. We no longer sat on Gramps' knee in case we blocked the pipe to his oxygen tank. But he still used to smile and say, "So what have you done with yourself today?"
One day Nanna opened the door with a digital camera in her hand. "Haven't you grown," she said, "Can you help me with this thing? I can't make it work." We explained batteries and memory cards to her and eventually she managed to take a picture. "Let's have one of you all with your Gramps," she said. We carefully crowded round him and smiled as the camera flashed.
When I was fourteen I got full marks in my music exam, but by then it was too late. I stood in front of that photograph of Gramps surrounded by his grandchildren and held up my certificate. "They're all here." I said.
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